Scars, meds and an ENT appointment - October/November 2016

I have scars everywhere. I used to hate them, and want them to be hid, but I now don't care about them at all. They are battle wounds. There is a story that goes with every scar.  It makes me who I am.

I've had a scar hiding in my hair line since I was 22 months old from my first craniotomy. The only people who knew about that one is if I had told someone, or my hairstylist. It was so easy to hide it, I almost couldn't find it myself sometimes!

I had stitches on the back of my leg when I was 11 from falling onto a log that had broken branches sticking out of it. That scar, is a big circle but it's on the back side of my knee so I don't see that one and forget it is even there!

These are the two scars that I grew up with.

When I had my children I had c-sections and have a scar from that too, but of course that one is hidden also!
So for most of my life, my scars were out of site-out of mind.

Then, the cancer happened!

The first scar I got was my port incision on my chest. There were two spots opened but one was so little that the scar is almost impossible to see.  The other, had to be opened to put the port in, and then reopened to remove the port. That is probably my most visible scar for the world to see. Anyone who has gone through cancer, or has someone close to them who went through it, knows what that scar is from. We all have it. (Anyone who has a port, that is.)

Before and after the port came out

Hatd to see but there is a dot above my finger

Looks pretty light here, much pinker in real life!

The next scar I got was from the craniotomy. The doctors said they were going to go over the same incision I had when I was young. But this time it was brought down to the bottom of my ear.  After every surgery due to the infection and needing the titanium plate, the incision was reopened. The left and top of it is pretty skinny still, the right side is very thick and very close to my hairline now. At first I never wore my hair in a way that the scar was visible but now I am to the point of not caring! And it makes good conversation for anyone who asks about it! The incision near the bottom of my ear did heal really well though.

This side of the scar looks great. Skinny and hard to find

This is the thick side. As you can see, not much hair between my face and the scar

The scar going down the front of my ear looks great!

And sometimes the scar is visible depending on my hairstyle that day.

I also had at least 8 tubes coming out of my head. When they are taken out, staples were always put in. They tubes left decent size circles on my head. Some are on the top, some on the side.

One of the drain tube scars

I had a fat graft taken from my stomach. It is about 4 inches long. I've never heard of one being done like mine. Others that I know that have had one, have an incision that is not even an inch long and removed the fat like they do with liposuction.  This scar is in a crease of my stomach except for one end that swerves down. Depending if I have a tan or not makes it more visible.

 

The fat graft since healed

I have a scar on my inner arm from my picc line. This scar wasn't very big, and it was shaped like a circle. Since then, I've had a tattoo done on that spot and the scar is covered by it. So that one is camouflaged! My cousin Jill had wrote a cute saying on a piece of paper and posted it on the facebook. I loved the saying and decided I wanted that as my "cancer" tattoo.

  

  

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve"  

After I was out of the hospital I had the spot on my forehead removed that was basil cell carcinoma. The scar is there, but it healed really nice and unless you're looking for it, you won't see it.

 

As a precaution after all of that cancer, I had a mole removed on my chest. It luckily, was not cancer. It has only been about 6 months, so I think over time the scar will get better looking, but right now it is still pink, and kind of hard.

 

Port and mole scar

My daughter had a mole on her calf that I wanted removed because it just didn't look right to me. And after everything I went through, I felt it was much better to be safe then sorry.  When the results came back, it had abnormal cells in it, so they had to go back, remove even more around it to make sure they got it all. She was 7! The thought of it becoming more made me sick.  Her skin is so perfect and it has not even had many years in the sun. I was shocked! And so relieved that we were proactive and had it removed.  The calf is a hard area to have stitches. The skin is so tight, and every step she took, moved it. So she has a nice big pink scar from it, but now she is just twins with her mom. :)

I haven't had many discussions about the meds I have been on and figured I should touch on that subject.

When I found out about the mass I was put on an anti-seizure medicine right away. Seizures are hard on the body and if you have one, you can not drive for a while after that. I couldn't possibly not be able to drive! I took that pill religiously.

During chemo I was on many different meds, four were for nausea, two liquid meds for my mouth sores, a shot to boost my blood cells. The nausea pills saved me. I had very few upset stomachs. Nothing cured the mouth sores but the two meds did help it and the second time around was a lot easier because I was able to start the meds right away.  There were times I was antibiotics for different reasons and steroids too.

When I woke from surgery and had my nerves going crazy on my face I was put on a med to calm them. I was on that medication for over a year along with the seizure medicine. I had no problem starting either of the meds. I didn't feel any side affects at that time from it.

During my hospital stay, I was on the antibiotics the entire time. After getting out of the hospital, around New Years, I noticed my fingers near my nails (cuticle area) were very sore and some were red and swollen. Puss would come out of them. My pinkie went through it twice. My mom said "get to the doctors"! It was an infection of some sort so we wanted that figured out right away. I went into the doctors and was put on a medicine to counter-act the antibiotics. My body was having a reaction from being on them so long. Just a few days of being on the pills my fingers felt so much better. But after that I did lose my pinkie nail and it took over 5 months for that to grow back!

In May when I had the titanium plate put in I was put on another antibiotic to prevent any infection after surgery. I had no problems with that one. I was also on steroid meds after every surgery to prevent my brain from swelling.

Finally summer, a year ago, I was allowed to get off the seizure and nerve med. I was so excited to not be on any pills anymore!

Sadly, I was having bad withdrawls from getting off the nerve med. It can cause depression, insomnia, night sweats, headaches, muscle aches, vision problems. I had all of the above. I wasn't myself at all. I was happy being at home and doing nothing. The spark in me was gone. I didn't want to be around people and any chance I had to take a nap, I would do it. Many mornings it was a struggle for me to get out of bed. If I needed to smile I would, but it was hard to even do that.  I had an appointment with my doctor and while there, she decided to put me on an antidepressant. I had a really hard time deciding if I wanted to go on this. I had just been cleared of meds and here I am, about to start a new one that I need to take every day.  I was also scared of all the side affects. I held on to that bottle of meds for over a month before I finally bit the bullet and took it. But, it slowly made a world of a difference for me.

I also get anxiety attacks. The med I am on has helped with those and I have about one a week, which is much less then before and now I can feel my body fighting it off so it isn't as bad. It comes and goes pretty fast. I do have another med on hand if I need to help calm down these attacks.

It so frustrating dealing with both of these things. I never had any issues with this before cancer.  Trying to live knowing that there is possibly cancer still inside me is hard enough, but I never thought I'd have these kind of problems to go along with it.

 I try to put on a brave face and just smile everyday. Fake it till you make it right?!

The left over meds.

Last week I had a check-up with my ENT that comes here from Marquette. I see him every 6 months to make sure the tube in my ear is still doing what it should. I have had no issues with it and my hearing has been great so I figured all would be fine. I was right, everything looked good. While there I brought up my sinus infections that I am constantly having. He said that they are normal to have after sinus surgery. Little pockets are made in the sinus cavity and snot gets trapped in it but if I try to us a Neti-pot daily it will help keep everything cleared out and I shouldn't have as many issues with it. So I guess its time to give that a try! I go back in another 6 months to see him again.

Waiting for the ENT to come in, hoping I don't get something shoved up my nose!

So for now, all is good on the home front! My appointments all came back great and I have until March when my next MRI check up is. In the mean time, I'll just keep living life and try to enjoy each day!

6 month check-up Sept 20, 2016

Here we go again!

My Mom and I drove down the night before to my brothers apartment in Appleton. We went to our favorite restaurant, Carmella's. It's an amazing italian place. Go there if you haven't been!

After dinner we did a little shopping, and then went back to Kent's. He did some of my yoga poses with me, and I did some of his workouts with him! Felt good after being in the car for four hours and stuffing our self with food!

The next morning we headed to Milwaukee. We went straight to the hospital, found a parking spot near the top of the ramp and I got checked in for the MRI.

Back in the gown!

These pants crack me up!!
One size fits all!

I got brought back pretty fast, changed into my gown, waited only a few minutes and the guy I've had multiple times came to get me. We joked about all we have been through together. He then put a small IV in, took some blood to make sure everything was good for the MRI.

Then, into the machine I went.

It was a new machine with a little different set up, but overall was very similar. My MRI's are on a specific machine that takes very thin, detailed slices. I was tired going in, I think I napped but it is so loud in there it's hard to tell! I do have earplugs in, and padding pushed against my ears so it helps to muffle the sound.

The MRI was an hour and fifteen minutes. With about 20 minutes left he comes in and puts a dye in the IV, then we finish it up!

Once finished, I change back into my clothes and go find my mom. She usually goes out for a walk, and also gets some shopping in! We met my Aunt Liza for lunch. It was so hot that day so we went to an outdoor place to eat. It was probably the warmest weather I will feel for a long time!

Walking the skywalk

After that it was time to get back to the hospital for the results. This is when it all starts to hit me!

Will life go on the way it is or is everything going to get turned upside down again.

We walked the skywalk one more time. Up to the 6 floor we went.

Answers! We want answers!

When we got called back to the room, we waited about ten minutes...it felt like an hour!

My mom and I are both doing her breathing thing.

We are staring at the computer.

I'm getting antsy.

I wanted to get up and dance or something! Ahhhhh!!!

This is the worst moment of the trip always.

We hear the door opening up...in walks Dr. Kassam! He had a big smile on his face and gave my mom and I a hug. He introduced us to a new NP that was starting there. He had previously lived somewhere else and worked in the neuro-unit.  Two nurses that I've had before were also in the room with us.

First, Dr Kassam opens up my file on the computer, and starts explaining to the new NP our history together. He shows him a picture of the beginning, and is pulling up a picture from now.

(My mom and I are both thinking, "Whats the news!! How does the MRI look???" but we don't want to interrupt him either.)

He tells the NP how he was supposed to be going to Vienna to give a speech to 600 people, but cancelled it at the last minute to stay back with me during my infection time. Then he says, "By the way, your scan looks AWESOME!"

My mom and I have a huge sigh of relief!! Praise the Lord!!

We look at the scans, they look great. I ask him about the area we are watching and he said there is no change it all. And that they aren't sure if its cancer, or just muscle used to fill in that area. It could also be scar tissue from radiation.

On the left you see the white beast,
on the right, you don't!

He said, "I'm sorry, but I do want you back in 6 months".

I said that is perfect.

I just finished telling my MRI tech that I like the six months. A year is too long to go without one. I need the peace of mind and reassurance that everything is looking good still. And, if something ever did start to grow, I want to catch it sooner rather than later.

Then, Dr. Kassam is out the door. He had to get to his next patient. I was so happy we were able to see him, though, because at the last six month appointment he was in a meeting and couldn't see me.

We are then ready to go! The lady checking us out said I looked great and that she has been there since the beginning and saw me through every stage.

Then the appt is made! March 17, 2017.

Seems so far away, but before we know it, it'll be here!

Once we find the car - had to walk a bit and take the elevator a few different times, we got lost -  we realize we did not ask about my sinus issue or the corner of the plate sticking out! We were too happy about the news and had a one track mind. Haha!

I can see my ENT here at home though for my sinus problems, and I will wait until my next appt to talk about the plate unless it bothers me too much in the mean time.

Our schedule for these appointments are great, this time of year right now is beautiful and in March the weather is usually decent. At least the farther we get from home it is! With all the trips we have taken, there has never been a storm that we had to get though. Lots of heavy winds, a few hard down pours and fog, but we can handle that.

One time, my Mom and I had gotten great news, hopped in the car to head home and we were so excited that we were literally pulling out of town and the low gas light came on. We looked at each other and burst out laughing. We had forgotten to get gas!! Luckily there was a gas station not too far down the road!

Another time, when I had just finished a round of chemo, we got a flat tire on the FREEWAY! Thankfully, nothing crazy happened and we only had to drive a little distance and found a gas station with an oil lube and they took care of it for us.

And another time, I was driving late one night after the foundation dinner with Dr. Kassam, it was dark, the road was full of construction and all of a sudden right in front of me was a hard, plastic cylinder. I tried to swerve and miss it, but it was too late. It made a huge loud noise, I was all worked up about it, but everything seemed fine on the car - no lights turned on and it felt fine- so I kept driving. Half an hour down the road I could hear a weird noise. We turned the radio off and I asked my mom if she saw anything out the side mirror.

Bes' house is straight out of a magazine 

She did.

Something was flapping in the wind. OMG! So I pull off onto the first exit I see. Pull over to the side of the road and jump out to take a look.  Sure enough, the plastic trim that goes along the inside of the wheel well, is dangling! So here we are, in dresses, in the middle of nowhere, using our phone flashlight and trying to push that piece back into place! It's funny to think about now, but that night, it was not funny at all!! We were just driving back to Kent's and in the morning he got it pushed back into place for us.  A piece is still missing from then, but you can't tell at all unless you know what you're looking for.

Georgous!

The night after the test, we stayed at Bes' house again. As I have said before, its gorgeous, inside and outside. And it's on a lake. We went to dinner with my two Aunts and Bes. Of course we did some more shopping too! Bes made us an amazing breakfast the next morning, and then we hit the road!

This doesn't do the outside justice

My mom and I don't realize it at the time, but the week or two before my MRI, we are very stressed. My body wants to get all anxious, but I keep pushing it to the side and telling myself all is going to be okay.

I ignore that I want to freak out.

I pretend that I'm cool and not worried about it.

That night after the results, I slept the best I have in weeks! Eight hours with only waking one time!

I can breath easier. I am in a happier mood and I feel like the fog has lifted!

There is nothing to complain about in life.

The little things that I let myself get down about, don't bother me anymore.

Life is good.

Well rested after a good nights sleep!

August 2016

I am now waiting for my next MRI.

We are 3 weeks out and I was a lot less anxious this time.

But I am now ready for it. I have two bridal styles on separate weekends, and the kids start school, so I know the time will go by fast.

I need that reassurance that everything is still good. I also need to see my ENT, Dr. Corsten. I have had constant sinus infections for six months. I've tried two different antibiotics, but it's never gone for long. I always end up with side affects from the antibiotics too, so I'd prefer to hold off until I can see him before trying anything else.

My sinus details are gross, but I'm gonna talk about it anyway!

I constantly have a smell inside my nose, and at least once I week, usually 2 or 3 times, it's hard for me to breath and I can feel something back there, but it won't come out. It must mess with my nerves because it causes a zap and zing feeling to all the nerves on the right side of my face.

Eventually, I feel something break away in my sinus cavity and it starts to go down my throat. I spit it out onto a kleenex and its a hard, super dark green blob. It's gross. (But kinda cool in a weird way?) I think it all builds up back there and can't fit out of my nostrils, so down my throat it goes. I don't ever swallow it because I want to see what it looks like and I'm sure it's not good to be in my system anyway.

Sometimes I take pictures of it! Okay, most of the time. Every time.

For doctors to see. For my friend to see that finds it all fascinating. For my kids to see and make disgusting faces at it. Haha. Iv'e tried to show my mom, but she will NOT look at it. My dad did once, but that was enough for him. My friend Amanda, who finds it fascinating, gets a pic of every one. Sometimes even a FaceTime of it if its a really good one! (Hahahaha!) Got to find the fun in it right? Don't worry, I wont show you all a picture of it! It's not even gross to me anymore because I've been seeing it for months now. I hope we get this figured out at my next appointment. It'd be nice to not feel like I have a sinus infection 24/7.

I am now working six hour shifts, four days a week. Some days I need to work an extra hour or two. I am totally exhausted after those shifts. It's okay if it's every now and then, but definitely not an every day thing for me. When I am at work though, I work hard. I make use of every minute I am there. I usually do two colors at once, or an extra haircut during a color. I work like crazy for the six hours to get eight hours worth of clients in.

I still have all the numb areas I have talked about before. Nothing has improved since then. So, I think that where I am at, is where I will always be.

I've accepted that.

I was much worse in the beginning, so I'm thankful to be beyond that point. But I really wish it could have gotten better then where I am. I get self conscious about my eye. The shape is not the same as the other and the bone structure (titanium) around that eye is a little different then the other too. I know, for some stranger walking down the street, they would have no idea anything is wrong. But, of course, everyone is their worst critic, right? My vision in that eye isn't great either. I can't look out the corner of that eye or I see double. I do have glasses that I sometimes wear and they help for distance.  My lower right lip is a problem too. It doesn't like to move too much. And if I'm tired, that eye and lip, are even worse looking then when I am energized.

Not that I am ever REALLY that energized. I am always tired. I think it is a combination of being a mom (that's exhausting right there!), but also from all the brain surgeries, the chemo, and radiation, too. They say it can take over a year to heal from brain surgery. I can't help but wonder what having five brain surgeries in less then a year can do to someones energy. I hear from a lot of people who have had chemo and/or radiation that they are tired, too.

I have the sore spot behind my ear still too. That will never go away because its a corner of the titanium. I am going to bring it up to my doctor at my next appointment. I wish it wasn't there. But, I'm thinking the only thing that can be done is if they opened me up where it sticks out, and sanded or cut that corner off. I don't think my doctors will go for that...but one can hope! It would be worth it to me.

Eating is still the same. I only eat on the left side due to the right side being numb. I still bite my lip a lot, but I'm much better at taking pills. I don't usually have one sitting in my cheek! My jaw is so loose that I clench my teeth shut at night when I sleep. If I don't do that, then my jaw is pushed to the right and I woke up super sore. But clenching my teeth sometimes causes a headache and its not good for me teeth either! I try hard to sleep on my back but sometimes that just isn't comfortable!

I am lucky that I didn't have many side affects from the brain surgeries. Some people lose their memory, others their speech, some need to learn to walk again. I, luckily, had very little of any of these. I notice sometimes I draw a blank when trying to think of a word or someones name that I know.  More so then before. I know that this is normal for everyone! But they say people have 'chemo-brain' for a while afterwards. It could be from that. It could be from surgeries.

zero extensions! Finally all mine!

Towards the end of June, I was finally able to take out my extensions! My hair had grown enough on the right side to blend in with the rest. I keep cutting it because I actually like the short hair and I wanted everything to catch up so if I do decide to grow it out, there aren't any short areas. My bangs are getting there. They take longer to grow then the rest of my hair though. I have had wigs or extensions for 20 months!

And I am now free of everything! :)

When I was going through chemo, I could not stand in one spot without wanting to pass out. Doing my makeup and messing with my wig made me very tired or sick feeling and I had to keep taking breaks. So, I decided to buy a vanity for my room. To this day, I am in love with it. I make my coffee in the morning, and go sit at my station to do my hair and makeup. I think after looking so scary in the hospital, I enjoy sitting there doing my makeup and hair each day. I have a 'normal' looking face to put it on, and I actually have hair to style.

I think trying to look put together helps me to feel..."okay" everyday.

And I keep playing with my hair color, too. I now look at it as hair that can always grow back. So I shaved the underneath. I keep cutting the length. I try different colors. Which I would never do with my long hair.

Don't get me wrong, I miss my long hair.

But I don't think it actually has to do with the length of my hair. It has to do with the healthy and worry free person I was before I had cancer.

I will never be that girl again.

Yes, I am the same person that I was before...but now I worry each day that my cancer will start growing. I see things differently then before (more for the better). I do what makes me happy. I always say, as long as I am happy, and my kids are healthy and happy, nothing else matters.

I am so tired though.

Will I have a future with my kids?
Will I ever get married again or have babies?
Is it even smart for me to think of having any more children?
That is just more loved ones to leave the day I die.
Will I find that person that is willing to go into a relationship with someone who has cancer?

I know that anyone can die on any given day. But I feel like it is hanging over my head much for then it is for a healthy person.

The unknown is scary.

I know everyone has it..but I feel like mine is pretty extreme. I try not to think of it, and just live day by day...

...but it crosses my mind often.

Below are my worry free, long hair, 'normal' face days.

(I am super picky about my photos now though! 

Since having the surgeries, I usually cut out my bad side in pictures. 

Unless its a photo that is far away then I don't mind. 

But I always have to see the picture and a lot of times 

I ask to take another because I don't approve of it.)

This photo is days before
finding out about the mass

November 2015 to March 2016 Swelling, Yoga, Anxious, MRI

What happens in Vegas....

I had always said that in the Fall of 2015, if I was doing good and not needing any surgeries, I wanted to take a trip to Vegas with any girlfriends that wanted to come.

We had a lot of fun!

So, in the beginning of December, off we went! 2 of my girls from home, Crystal and Amanda, came with me. My friend Catherine, that lives in California, met us there. We had a blast and decided its something we want to try and do every single year! Not necessarily just girls, but a Vegas getaway with whoever wants to come! We will see if this happens...

Crystal and I had our phones stolen out of our cross-body purses that we were WEARING. The worst part of that, for me, is I lost a lot of photos from my surgeries. I think most of the important ones were saved, but not all of them were on my iCloud.

Yoga!

My next MRI isn't until March. It's been great not having any appointments or surgeries. I am starting to work more, too. I went back to work in July after my May surgery. I was only doing three days a week and 3 hour days. My body could not handle anymore. In October of that year I started doing yoga at least 6 days a week. I could tell my body was getting stronger. I bumped it up to 4 hours a day and then 5. A few weeks into doing yoga, my swelling at my temple went away! I really do believe yoga had to do with it. Yoga is good for your lymphatic system. I think just getting all the juices flowing inside of me helped to move the fluid around and spread through my body. I hadn't been so excited about something in a long time! I could part my hair in different spots now, wear my hair back off my face.  It was a huge relief for me.

Going in for the MRI

By January, I was getting anxious for the next MRI. I had not gone six months without one and I was ready now for the next. I knew time would go by fast so I tried to be patient waiting for it. When March finally came I was more then ready for it!

I went in for the MRI, and then walked the crosswalk once again. We were called back into the room, where we wait for the doctor. It is not an examining room. It's a room with a table that is flat against the wall, and rounded with chairs around it.

Staring at the computer...
waiting for results

There is a big computer there for the scans to be pulled up on. My mom and I sit there and stare at the blank computer. She does her breathing and I just sit.

Here we go again, that life changing moment.

So happy after good results!

The radiologist walks in and instantly tells us everything looks perfect! Then she pulls up the scan to show us. There is a little white cloud  around the area we are watching but she said that is from the radiation and its nothing to worry about.

I had asked if Dr Kassam was busy or could I say "hi" to him, but he was in a meeting. They tried to get him out, but he couldn't do it.

Dr. Rovin knew I was ready by four months for the MRI and asked if I wanted to schedule my next for four months out...or do six months and if I feel the need to come sooner I can just call. I chose the latter option since I knew I could change it if I want, plus I had now gone six months and there was no change.

We are actually at 14 months without a change! January 2015 is the first MRI after radiation and there hasn't been a change since then. September 2016 is the next time I will be seeing them!

After getting the result, we were sitting on a bench contacting our loved ones and I could see in Dr Kassam's waiting room, there was a guy with a helmet it on just like mine.

I wanted to go in there and reach out to him and tell him I had been there.

And you will get past this hard time in your life.

Summer 2015 to October 2015...Lumbar Puncture. Skin Cancer. T-tube.

My summer was pretty uneventful. I recovered from my surgery very fast. I wore headbands and wraps every single day to cover where my hair had been shaved. It was slowly growing, though!

I had to go back in the beginning of June to have a test to make sure I didn't have a cerebral fluid leak. My nose was draining clear fluids and I also had a fluid spot of swelling on my right temple that came a few weeks after the surgery. A CSF leak is a leak of brain fluid coming from the dura layer of the brain. When the titanium went in, the dura may have been punctured and brain fluid leaking out.

For the test,  I was laying on my stomach on a table with an x-ray machine above me. I had a lumbar puncture done (needle in my spine) and a dye injected. The table was then tilted so my head was lower then my feet and some x-rays were taken to see where the dye was going. I had to stay in the hospital for a few hours after to make sure I wasn't reacting to having the lumbar puncture done.

Dr. Kassam and I

The next day, we were told that everything looked great! There was no leak and the swelling on my temple would eventually "soak up" and go away. I also asked while there about a pointy spot I had behind my ear. It hurt to the touch, hurt when I had a headband on and hurt to lay on! Turns out that is a corner of the titanium plate. Since all was good, we got to head home! I had to miss the kids last day of school during this stay.

On August 25, I was invited by my doctor to a fundraising dinner. He invited a few of his patients and another doctor, that was attending, did the same. They both were going to speak at it. It was a fun time! My Mom came with me, we got to dress up and eat some delicious food! My doctor ended up sitting at my table right next to me too. We got to make small talk, and he got to see me all dressed up with makeup on and my hair done. He has only seen me at my worst, or in a hospital gown! I was really happy that we got to go and lucked out that he sat next to me too.

In the beginning of September I had a little pink spot on my forehead just under my hairline looked at. I had it for over a  year now, and it wasn't going away. It was a bit raised and was shiny like a scar. This was the only thing on my body that reacted when I was getting chemo. It scabbed up, but then was back after the scab fell off. So, since the past crazy year was over, I decided to have it looked at. (Along with catching up at the dentist and eye doctors.)  My doctor sent me to a surgeon here in town. He removed it and had it tested. A week later, I came back to have the stitches out and sure enough, it was basil cell carcinoma! Are you kidding me? He said after everything I had been through, he wasn't going to go back and remove more. We are just going to watch the area and see if it grows back. Had I not had a brain tumor, this would have been a lot scarier to me then it was.

On September 15th, I had a check up. This included an MRI to check out how the titanium plate looked and to see if there has been any change to the area where a bit of tumor was left.

I also still had the fluid swelled area near my temple. I was getting really frustrated with this because I finally had a normal shaped head after hiding it for 6 months, but I still have this and I had to keep hiding it. They said they were going to take a look at it this time. I felt like it'd be so easy to put a needle in it and suck out the fluid. I'd joke that I was gonna take a knife, and put a little slit in it to drain it. (Yes, I was that DESPERATE!) I was also getting my port removed the next day if my MRI looked good. I was really excited about this whole appointment!

So, I had my MRI, walked the crosswalk over to my doctor's office, and waited a few minutes for him to come in. This is when I get nervous. My mom does her heavy breathing. Whatever my doctor has to say when he comes in can be a life changing thing for us! We finally feel like life is getting back on track. Things aren't 'normal,' but we are trying to make it that way.

Dr Kassam walked in, and instantly told us all looks great! His radiologist showed us the scan pictures and everything looked so good. The little area is still there, but no changes have happened.

Yippeeeee!

Chemo port is comin out tomorrow! Now, the swelling? Dr Rovin, who helped put the plate in, decided that we should do nothing to the fluid. Let it be. It will eventually go away on its own. This made me sad. I had tears in my eyes. My mom was talking for me saying its okay and we understand. I had a hard time understanding because I didn't want it there anymore! I'v'e hid things on my head for over a year now! I want to stop hiding!

Before it was removed and after

The next day, I came back to have my port out. It was exciting, but I was also kind of sad to see it go. The port saved me from having IV's so many times. My entire hospital stay, I had the port being used to pump meds or antibiotics.  I'd have even more IV's in my arm if it wasn't for that. It would be nice not having a bump on my chest where it was though. Shay would try to sit on my lap and I'd have to shift her all the time so she wasn't laying against my port. The port is a sign of having cancer, so it being removed, is a big step in the right direction.

I wasn't put out for this surgery. Just sedated a little and a lot of numbing shots and pain meds given to me through an IV as they removed it. I get nervous for the surgeries that I'm awake for! Luckily, I felt nothing after the numbing shots. I had internal stitches and a lot of glue on the outside. I could not pick the glue off. I needed to wait for it to go away on its own. Once the numbing wore off, it was a bit painful, but after a few days it was much better. Even now, when I push on the area where it was, it hurts a little, I'm not sure what the reason for that is. It was very discolored for a while but it's returning to a normal color now.

Now that that was all taken care of, I do not need to come back for an MRI for six months.

Six months!

I have 6 months of living 'normal' life. Whether the tumor is growing or not, I will have no idea. The sound of this is great! I am also allowed to slowly ween off of my medications now. The first time in 15 months I will not be on a pill every day.

After my October surgeries, I noticed that my hearing wasn't very good anymore and eventually my ear tube fell out. So this time, we were putting a T-tube in.  It is more permanent then the other tube I had in.  This 'surgery' was done in Marquette and my friend Amanda brought me. I wasn't out very long for this, less then an hour. Then we did some shopping and eating before heading home! I could instantly start hearing better again too!

Pinned hair, no headband!

My hair was finally long enough in front to pin or twist into a bobby pin. I no longer needed to wear a headband! It was such an awesome feeling to be done with the wigs, head wraps, hoods, headbands. I still have extensions on the right side to cover the awful swelling, though.

I had heard from so many people about how strong I was, and such a good spirit I had going through everything. I loved hearing that and believe that I was. Going through the surgeries, I really was doing what I had to make it through. I didn't see any reason to have a negative attitude, what good would that do me?

It wasn't until summer time that I started having a hard time. I think now that things have calmed down, it was all really hitting me. I have cancer. I had a horrible infection that could have killed me. I have many uncomfortable face problems. I am exhausted. I always try to look at the best in everything, the infection didn't kill me. My cancer isn't growing at the moment. My face problems could be SO much worse then they are. For having a titanium jaw, eye and right side of my skull, I look pretty normal!

But I am human and, like anyone, I get down about these things. I have days that I don't want to get out of bed. Life is so busy and tiring. I wish I had someone to take care of me. But that is not the case. I am a mom and I have two kids to make a living for and take care of.  My kids are definitely what keep me going every day.

Thank God for them.