Mayo scans and Radiation April 2020

Alright! Here we are, four days out of radiation. Things are going well! Trying to take it easy these first few days after. I'm feeling kind of "fragile" right now.... I’m gonna start by updating on the past few weeks and then talk radiation! 
     After searching and reaching out to people for quite some time, I finally got to talk with Dr Kassam!! It was amazing just hearing his voice! We will not know where he is going to be for about six more weeks. He had told me that he is happy I chose to go to Mayo and he is going to reach out to a neurosurgeon there who specializes in removing my kind of tumors. Just in case we need that down the road. But we both agreed that I will continue with Mayo and if in the future I need to travel to where Dr. Kassam is, I will! ❤️ Just knowing I still have him on my side is an awesome feeling!  That same day Dr Foote, my radiation doc, called me and he said he finally got a hold of my scans, all looks good and wanted to set the radiation appt up. That was a relief in it's self, because I wasn't sure if after he saw the scans, I had room for more radiation.  He had an available spot the next week, but I needed a bit more time then that to prepare mentally so I picked the week following that one. I would also get a head MRI and a chest CT while there. Monday will be dedicated to scans and appts, and Tuesday will be radiation. 

    My parents came with me again and my brother Brendan was at my house with the kids. It has worked out perfectly with my brother at the house. I think its a "change of scenery" for everyone when he is here with them!  We had to be at Mayo for 7:30AM on Monday morning to start my appts, and radiation was on Tuesday, so we knew a hotel stay was inevitable. We left Sunday afternoon and got there about 7. We went straight to our hotel, and once in our room, we all spent some time sanitizing and then relaxed after that.My parent's packed us some food to have in our room. My Mother might have lucked out at getting her hair colored that night too!

Our Hotel was right across the street from the hospital, so Monday morning I headed over there for the MRI and CT. They are still letting one person go into the hospital with you for these appointments, but I figured there was no point when I was going to be in the scans anyway. So I crossed the street and was at the exact entrance needed to be at, easy! Except it was closed due to the virus! I keep walking, find a new door, closed again! Omg. Finally I find a bigger entrance and get my hopes up! Only to be locked out again! But, this one had a speaker for mother’s in labor to hit. So I hit it! Haha. And explained to the guy that I didn’t know where I was and where to go to get inside. He gave me directions, I wasn’t very confident in them, but I made it! I first had my MRI and then the CT. Both scans went very well, they were shorter than what I have been getting so that was a treat! 

   When time came to actually meet with a doctor, my Mom met me in the hospital. We first met with the Neuro who helps with putting the frame on that I’ll wear.  Dr. Pollock was great! He explained in detail what we will be doing in radiation -  He told us that we will start w radiation and look into surgery after if needed as last resort. Why open me up now if this can get the job done. The best piece of info we got from him (actually from anyone over the two days, I think) was this - He said to us, he can’t make any promises but with the kind of tumor I have, the radiation we are doing usually reacts super well to it. 70 something percent of the people w this cancer, the tumors DISSOLVE over time!  It takes up to 18 months for the shrinking to happen. Wow! It was so great hearing something hopeful!! I have been hanging on to that bit of information since hearing it!        He then explained that I will get many tiny doses of radiation, but they all lead to the tumors. So the good brain tissue isn’t damaged as much as it would be. But the tumors still get a big dose of radiation. When I show up the next day I will get into a gown and hooked up to an IV and a calming med. The titanium frame is first put on, he said they will inject lidocaine and then put the screws in and after that I’ll have another MRI and a CT. Then they will map out the radiation using the scan photos and the frame on me head. Areas that have been radiated previously, do not get it again. Luckily there are paths to take that have not been through radiation before. Once the mapping is done, we go into the radiation room, I lay on the table and the frame is locked in. They then start the radiation and mine will be about 90 minutes long. They can range anywhere from a half hour, to about 3 hours.  I think back to my Marquette radiation - I went 5 days a week, for 7 weeks. Each dose was about a minute, so overall I had about 35 minutes of radiation. And in ONE sitting here, I get 90. I know they are different forms of radiation, but I still think that’s crazy! And so much easier!!

    Once we finished going over everything with him, we moved on to the other appointments. First I had a blood draw.  Next up was meeting the new Oncologist. He specializes in sarcomas so he is exactly what I need! I had not googled him at all prior to the appt, actually I didn’t know his name before that day, so I had no idea what to expect. Well, in walks this young good looking Doc! 😂  Dr. Robinson. Everything went great with him!  He wasn’t in a rush and explained things really well. He first had me go over my entire cancer history. Then he asked about my side effects on the chemo meds I had been on previously. He said he is going to use one of the chemos I’ve already been on, but differently then how I’ve taken it before. It’ll be a lot stronger dose, but only one med and not a ton through out the day. Of course a higher dose doesn’t sound very appealing, but, I love the idea of not keeping track of numerous pills each day. I will not be starting chemo quite yet, he wanted to wait a few weeks out from radiation.  He also explained that he would like me to get in touch with our cancer doc here at home. That way, I can run in for labs, an IV, prescription refills, anything needed. But my Mayo doc will still be the one calling all the shots!  The whole appt went super well, I felt like we had a good connection and that definitely put me at ease. 

    After that appt, I met w a nurse to cover some questions and paper work for the MRI the next morn. When finished, we had about 45 min until the next appt and I was tired and hungry at this point! It’s probably about 4 now, and I stepped in this building at 7:15am! The day had flown by. So we walked over to our room and quickly ate some food! With the virus right now, you need a mask on 24/7 in the hospital. So going back to the room was another bonus because we could rip that mask off for a while! I give credit to every health care person who wears them. They are hot and constricting! Some scans I had to wear it for and some I did not. But the room has to be aired out for a certain amount of time after you’ve been in it, if no mask, and I hated to do that to them so it was on most of the time!

I had multiple masks 

throughout the day. Some

with metal in it, and

some without! (Depending

on the scan.)

    My Dad came back with me for the next appointment with Dr Foote. My Dad had not been in Mayo yet, because each time only one person could come with. So this was a perfect time to swap parents!  Dr Foote is the only doctor that I have seen before so it was nice seeing him again. He went over more of radiation with us, including side effects. I may have a headache from brain swelling, a lot of people have swelling in their face and eyes, and their eyes turn black and blue. I may be fatigued, have no appetite or be nauseous. The screw incisions will be sore and possibly tingly. Any of this seems like a walk in the park after the painful mouth from the Marquette radiation! He then explained the times that everything will be happening the next morning - I needed to be there for 5:30am. And we should be done about noon. That sounded great to me because then I could be home at a decent time! St. Mary’s is the hospital building and no one is allowed to come in with me there. I was okay with that though. I knew I’d be in and out of scans the whole time and wouldn’t be around anyone as it was. Or in the moments I could be with someone, I'd probably be groggy anyway. This wasn't my first rodeo so I wasn't worried about being on my own! Haha

   Appts were finally done! I was mentally and physically exhausted after that day!  That evening I relaxed and tried to fall asleep at a decent time since my morning was starting bright and early! No eating after midnight and only a sip of water by morning. I forced my parents to go for a walk or to do something because I felt bad that they were cooped up all day either in the hotel or hospital. There are some neat trails to walk that aren’t too far away and they went to one of those. 

   The next morn my Dad dropped me at the hospital. I was in my room changing into a gown in no time. They got the IV  of fluids going, gave me the calming med ,and before you know it - it’s time to put the frame on. Dr. Pollock and a few others were in the room. After feeling my forehead - where the titanium plate meets my skull bone - he decided to change up the frame. He didn't want to be putting a screw in the titanium if not needed. This frame they like to call cyclops. The cyclops only has one screw incision in front (hence the name), and two in the back. And by using that frame, the titanium will not be messed with at all.  First they put the frame over my head and balanced it by resting some plastic posts in my ears. Once the frame is lined up correctly, the first lidocaine shot goes in, then the next two. I could feel it going in, and then a stinging feeling as the numbing meds spread out, along with hearing some crunching noises! The screws go in next. I heard noises but didn’t feel any pain. There was definitely a pressure feeling but over some time that went away too.  Most people must ask for a picture because they had a Polaroid on hand to snap some pics! The first photo below is of a stranger with the frame on, with all of the pieces added on. They fit the base onto me, and then add different pieces to the top depending on the scan I am in. The second is my little polaroid pic with the cyclops on!

  Now it's scan time! The MRI and CT were both very short! Then back to my little room while the mapping happens.  I’m kind of groggy by this point, took a couple selfies with the frame on, and tried reading my book. Reading wasn’t easy because not only was I a bit loopy, but the frame covered one eye so I needed to have my head tilted in a way just to see the book! 2 things got brought up often throughout being in the hospital - my nails, because they looked so freshly done. Lol. (I have done my own at home for years!) I had to give a few people tips on how to work with what they had going on right now.  And the other thing brought up is the book I’m reading, Where The Crawdads Sing. Many people commented on that including Dr Pollock who just finished it! It is super good by the way!

The back had one

on each side.

Side view

Close up of the

frame screwed in!

    Before I knew it, it was my time to go in. The radiation machine looks similar to other scans. I laid on a table/bed and the frame was locked into the top of the bed.  There wasn’t a headrest because the frame held my head in place. The bed was adjusted so my neck felt comfortable. I’d be laying there for the next 1.5 hours. I knew by this point that I’d sleep the entire time, and that’s exactly what I did! The scan was nice and quiet, and I didn’t feel a thing. The only bonus to wearing a mask, was when I was passed out, I didn’t have to worry if my mouth was open or anything! Hahaa. 

  I woke as they entered the scan room, then I was wheeled back in my bed to my little room. I was under observation for a while, they came and took the frame off and wrapped me up. It didn't hurt removing it at all. If anything, some pressure was lifted.  I also got a dose of steroids in the IV. I could now start eating and drinking too. Eventually they let me change into my clothes, and a bit later I was free to go. They wheeled me down to the entrance and then I hopped in my parents car when they rolled up. And home we went!  It was noon Mayo time.

Shortly after getting done

   I was super tired at this point, but never fell asleep. The whole ride home!  It just felt so good knowing something was ‘injected’ into these tumors. I think I was on some sort of a high. Even that night, it took a while to fall asleep and I was up at a decent time the next morn! Between the ‘radiation high’ and getting the IV fluids and steroids, I was feeling full of energy! The whole car ride, I was waiting for a headache to start. I remember the one I had after Cyber knife radiation and was expecting it to come again. But it never did! Here we are, 4 days out and I never had a headache. My forehead has a bump of fluids, and it slowly made its way to the inner part of my left eye. But never to the point where I couldn’t see out of it. And no black and blue eyes either! The incisions are sore but as long as I don't touch my head, it's fine! I was very fatigued the first few days, I laid around a lot, but never to the point where I needed a nap. I noticed my brain was working slower then normal. I’ve been working on this blog for days y'all! It’s been harder to get the words out. But each day is getting easier. After a surgery, the first 48 are the worst. Swelling peaks and what not. They call this Gamma Knife ‘Surgery’. So I was thinking, maybe after the first 48, things will start improving. I was close but about a day off, today I woke with no new swelling, and the swelling that is there, has gone down! My forehead still has a slight bump from the fluids but that's also starting to go down too. It’s been nice! Very happily surprised with this recovery. I’ve even asked myself if I really had the radiation?!   

The ride home. Kept my 

head on an incline

for days!

This was day 2 and I

expected to look 

much worse! This
should be the "bad" eye!

     Having this done while during quarantine has been great. I don’t feel pressured to get back to work, I’m not missing out on anything fun. It’s been easy to take time and heal. 3 months from now, I’ll be going back for scans. We will see if the radiation has started doing it’s job, and if I've responded to the chemo at all.  I’m relieved to be where I am with all of this, I think every appt went great. I’m glad Mayo had an option for me to try. I’m glad I’ve met some great doctors. I’m glad I also have Dr Kassam in my back pocket! Just knowing that something is in these tumors, trying to shrink them, gives me the peace of mind I've needed for a quite some time! And now, its time to continue the healing and hope & pray for the best!

Bad news and waiting for answers

Hello. I am a week out from my next appointment and I had one the day after I got back to town from Vegas. Vegas was great. I was able to forget about everything going on and I had a nice break from life.  It was fun, relaxing, warm and we had lots of laughs. I wish I was there longer!

I got to Milwaukee the day before my scans started. We had flown out of Appleton so it made no sense for me to head home when Milwaukee was even closer. The scan on Monday was a PET.  I got to sleep and relax Sunday when I got to my Mom's friend's house and after 5 that day I was on a special diet. Nothing with sugar, that includes carbs and no caffeine. They had a list of foods that I am allowed to eat. The morning of the scan I could only sip a little bit of water. I slept as late as possible because my appt wasn't until 1. Then we got ready and headed to the hospital. The scan itself isn't bad.It takes time, but a lot of the time is in the prep.  I first had my blood sugar tested and if it was under 200 then I could get the test. I passed. After that they injected the radioactive glucose that is in a metal jar through an IV. I sat for an hour while that flowed through my body. Cancer is attracted to glucose so the solution would make its way to any cancer in my body and it would then light up during the scan.  I am in a comfy recliner chair and I have a warm blanket on. After the hour, I can start drinking water and then I go into the scan. I have to lay still and the first part of my body scanned is from my chest down. I have to have my arms up over my head. This lasted about a half hour. Next is my head and neck, my head is in a little holder. This one is more comfortable because my body can be in any position, I just need to stay still. Once that was done I was free to go.

My Mom and I went out to eat with my two Aunts at a delicious restaurant that night, then stayed at my Aunt Liza's condo. The next morning we had to be out of the house at 5:50 so it was an early night to sleep!

That next morning I went back to the hospital for my MRI. I was in there for an hour this time so it wasn't too bad. Lately these MRI's have been 2 hours and that is getting too long!  Once that was done we walked across the street for some breakfast.  Then we went to Dr. Kassam's office and eventually got seen by him. When we saw him and his team, there were about 6 of them who came in. Dr Kassam told us that there is a tumor there, and looking at it on the scan, I thought it isn't small. He said it has not grown in the last 5 weeks since my prior scan.  He looked sad though, and told me that it is now in a very complicated place to operate. It is right on my facial nerve. So for now, there is no surgery happening. He said we will be doing chemo and radiation. This radiation would be cyber knife radiation. I had that one 3 years ago and I had no problems with it besides a headache the night I had it. He also said there are clinical trials and radiation beads that we can look into.

The white spot in the middle
is the tumor.

This appointment was two days before Thanksgiving and Dr Kassam kept grabbing my hand, he would tell everyone that I am very special to him. He said to have a good Thanksgiving and that he wants to see me in 3 weeks for another MRI. We will see if the tumor has grown at all.

Valerie, (the cancer doctor's nurse) was in on the appointment and she is going to make sure that I see Dr Taylor when I come down. He did want to see me sooner then that, but we still don't have the results from foundation one testing and I didn't want to go back down again in these 3 weeks that I am home. She did say that we are doing a chemo, but we just don't know what kind yet.

After that appointment I saw an ENT there. He was nice, but it isn't the same with Dr Corsten not being there. Then we went back to a room and Dr Kassam came back in to discuss the PET. He said that there is a spot on my lung, it could be a cyst though and we aren't going to biopsy it or do anything about that right now. He said besides the obvious brain tumor, he didn't see anything else. But now, any time I run out of breath, the spot on my lung pops into my mind.

I am struggling with the tumor news. I have always had the faith in Dr Kassam, every tumor so far, he has been able to remove. To hear him say that he might not be able to this time, is scary. I guess it comes down to hoping that chemo and radiation can do the job or shrink the tumor enough so that Dr Kassam can do something about it. But last time, chemo did nothing. I know that we are testing it this time, so the chances of chemo doing something will be better. And last time, the cyber knife radiation did do its job also. Fingers crossed.  I know a lot of people end up visiting a Texas hospital when they feel like they have run out of options. So of course I will be keeping that in mind too.

I constantly think about my kids. Chances are more real to me, that they might grow up without their mom. My kids have just been with their Dad for 5 nights. First, I thought this is too long. They need to be with me more because I might not be here one day. Then I think, maybe they should be spending more time with their dad because then when the day comes that I am not here, it won't be so hard for them to live with their dad.
Or my friends and I will talk about guys and dating, but in the back of my head, I think, I will probably never get married again or have more babies. I won't be on this earth long enough for that. And if I am, cancer will probably always be there and will I really find someone to marry me? Knowing cancer is there. Yes, I know, those people are out there. But-think about it-would you get into a relationship with someone who has cancer? The possibility of it ending short and in grief, is much higher then it is with a healthy person.
I think about my poor parents, and what it must be like for them. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to go through something like this with Shaya.
I think about how I need to clean out these rooms full of storage in my house so that one day, someone else doesn't need to clean up my mess after I am gone.

 I have always been super positive about all this, you guys know that. And I like to think that I still am, but these thoughts, pop into my head a lot more now then they ever have.

On the bright side of all this, my mouth is doing so much better. I am off of my painkillers, and I rarely use my numbing mouth wash. I have been able to eat a lot more food and each day is much more enjoyable now that my mouth isn't killing at all times. There is still a bit of healing to go, but it is now tolerable. There is also some face and neck swelling going on, but each week it seems to be a bit better.

I still can't hear out of my ear. But I am starting to think that I might not ever be able to hear out of it. This tumor is in my temporal area, but it is also on my auditory canal. That is part of your ear that is on the inside, near your brain. I can't help but think, that adds to another reason why I can't hear out of it.

So, that is about all for now. I have been struggling with all of this and thought writing it down, getting it all out, might help me feel better about it.

Surgery #2 in the month of May - May 31 2017

Alright, so here I am back at Peggy's after another surgery! Things are going good, back in the healing groove. (Not that I ever really left it!) So far, this recovery seems easier then the last. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I was already run down and tired going into this surgery, so there isn't a big difference. The last surgery, I was feeling good before and had a lot more energy so the difference before and after were much greater.

Lets start by going back a few days. My mom and I left on Tuesday morning after I got the kids on the bus to get down to Milwaukee for a CT with fiducials at 4. My dad was driving down separate and leaving a few hours later. We were saying how nice and weird it was that I was leaving that day and having surgery the next. Usually things don't line up quite so nice and there is a day or weekend in the middle of tests and surgery. I loved that this one was boom boom boom.

Saying goodbye to my babies

On the trip down I had called my nurse coordinator Allyson and left a message for her asking if she could talk to Dr Kassam about having the corner of the plate behind my ear removed.  I should have called her the week before, I hope I was not too late, but I figured that I did give her like 4 hours before she left the office for the day. And on Tuesdays Dr Kassam is in the office too.

My mom and I were in Crivitz (about 3 hours from home) when I got a call from Stephanie at Dr Kassam's office. She asked if we were on our way down. I had told her we were and she said that Dr Kassam was wanting to switch our surgery to Thursday because he has an emergency surgery he needed to get in on Wednesday morn. She said she would change the CT to Wednesday and surgery would be Thursday morning. I did my best to stay calm. I know if he is switching the appointment there is a big reason for it. It can be a big mental thing for me when surgery is changed though because in my mind I have been prepping myself for it. But, this time, for some reason it didn't bother me that much. It was only a day later and I would be able to keep busy in the mean time. First thing we did was call my dad. He was an hour into his trip down. We all had to pull over and think of what our next step was going to be. It made sense for him turn around and go back to work. He would leave part way through the next day. We decided that we would stay in Appleton with Kent. My mom and I would go shopping and then out to dinner with Kent once he got out of work.

Or maybe it should say keep calm and
go shopping!

The idea of staying in Appleton instead of driving all the way to Milwaukee was kind of nice. When we got there, my mom and I first went to TJ Maxx and then to the mall. I only had a little energy left at the mall and before I knew it I was back in the car. I was going to take a nap and I told my mom to keep shopping. We had nowhere to be and Kent was still at work for a couple hours. Maybe a half hour into being in the car, I got a call from Stephanie again. She said Dr Kassam makes her sound crazy, but she is calling because surgery is moved back to Wednesday morning! She rescheduled my CT for 6PM that night! It was 4 at the time and we need two hours to get the Milwaukee from Appleton. I was super excited and called my mom right away. She was busy shopping and I didn't get an answer so I called my dad next. I told him to "hit the road"!  He had just pulled into home after work and said he was ready to go! I tried my mom again and she answered this time. I said lets go! We've got a CT to get to! Surgery is back on tomorrow morning! She quickly tried on a dress (looking for Kent's wedding) and literally came running out of the mall. Haha.

We made it just in time, I jumped out and went into the hospital while my mom parked. I speed walked my way to the radiology department. I ended up waiting for like a 20 minutes to check in. There was a line in front of me. And then when I was brought back to the waiting room, I waited another 30 minutes. So I guess the rush wasn't needed! The fiducials were put on again. They reshaved the same spots as last time and put the stickies on. I had forgotten my scarf in the car so my mom ran back to grab it for me. Then we headed to my Aunt Liza's. She had dinner waiting for us. :)  After dinner, I took my shower with the special soap and my dad showed up a few minutes later. I was exhausted from my day - I traveled, did not nap, walked around a mall and got a CT. That is a lot more then I had done on any day previous in the past few weeks! I was ready to get to bed! And I needed to get up at 4:45AM anyway to shower again before leaving for surgery.

Fiducials are on!

So now it is surgery day! Took my shower, put on fresh clothes and off we went. I was brought back to Same Day Surgery to get prepped. This is such a routine thing for me now, I know exactly what to expect next. I was asked a million questions, wiped down with the cleansing pads, put on a gown, took a pee test, got an IV put in successfully on the first try, had the neuro monitor wires put on and marks drawn all over my head. l met with the anesthesiologist, told her that whatever was done last time worked great. I had no nausea or a dry mouth after. She gave me a calming and nausea med a few minutes later. Then one of the nurses came in with the "cute" hair net for me. We had a few minutes to wait and I was getting more and more relaxed. It was getting hard to keep my eyes open! Eventually I passed out! I don't remember saying goodbye to my parents or being rolled into the operating room. It is getting earlier and earlier every time! Maybe next time, I'll be sleeping walking as I shower the morning of. Haha

Ready to head to the hospital

Got the marks on my head, neuro
wires hooked up too.

Our surgery morning pic!

Next thing you know, I'm being woke from surgery. I had a CT done and I don't remember that at all. I do remember having the breathing tube in though. And I remember when they pulled it out too. It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be! So now I am back in my room. I remember getting asked some questions, I remember my nurse Ericka talking about liking one of my tattoos, I was in and out of sleeping. Eventually Dr Kassam came in and I made myself become alert because I wanted to remember what he had to say! He said he was so happy for me and everything went and looks great.  After he left, I asked if I could have the catheter removed. I hate having that in. My nurse came in to remove it, one of the girls I had last time! She said I had 6 hours to pee. I am not exactly sure what happens after that if you don't go.... BUT an hour later I was already ready to go! That meant I needed to get up and walk. Mission accomplished! Now, I am feeling pretty darn good! Swelling hasn't had a chance to quick in, pain meds are workin great, no new numb areas, my jaw feels the same as before surgery, and my eye is closing!  Nothin to complain about here! Everyone was commenting on how chipper and talkative I was. My nurse joked that I was a pro, hitting all kinds of milestones in a short amount of time. My PT came in and we walked two circles around the ICU. I wasn't exhausted from the walk, it actually felt good to get up and stretch a little.  She signed off for PT and OT and the next day I was seeing the speech therapist.  My nurse came in and told me that I was going in for an MRI that evening at 6:30. They said it was going to be a long one, but long is usually about 1.5 hours. I knew my aunts and brother Kent were coming to see me but figured they could go eat while I am in the test.

How my parents see me as I enter the room. I
am still out of it at this point. Awake, but
not really. 

After Dr Kassam came in and I
was more alert. Before swelling
takes over.

I was feeling around on my head, and I started to question if the corner of the plate was gone. I had never got a call back from Allyson so I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad sign. I hope my message had got to Dr Kassam. I didn't see him before surgery either so I didn't get to bring it up to him at all. My head was very tender, especially the sides because that is where the pins are placed to keep my head still. Some areas were swollen and had dried blood on them. I even found a staple in one area behind my ear! All of that made it hard for me to figure out if the corner was still there or not. I would have to ask Dr Kassam or his PA the next day when I saw them.

So now it is time to roll on down for the MRI. I had to stay hooked up to all of my machines and my nurse needed to stay close by while I am in the MRI. As the elevator doors closed I saw my aunts walk by to my room.  I was getting pretty tired at this point and said I would just sleep during it. She didn't put the full padding around my head because of the new incision, but we did wrap a towel around it before putting the mask on so that helped me feel less worried about moving.  I slept probably the first 45 minutes, and then about a half hour after that the tech came in to talk with me. She said I had about a half hour to go. Then when that was up, she said about 20 more minutes. At this point, over two hours in, I was starting to go crazy! My ass hurt from laying there, my mouth was dry. Every time that the machine stopped moving and making noises I'd be saying to myself, please be done, please be done. I'd be hoping to see the tech open the door. No such luck. The machine would start moving again. Eventually she came in to add some contrast to my IV. She said 15 more minutes. I hope to god that is true!!! And yes, finally it was over. Turns out I was gone for 3.5 hours. That was the record length of an MRI for me!! When I got to my room, my aunts, parents and bro were there. I felt horrible being gone so long! It is now 9:30 and everyone wants to be getting home. Poor Kent drove down to see me and was still heading back that night. We literally had 15 minutes together.  My kids were facetiming me too. There was a lot going on! My visitors all stayed for a short time and then they left. They had never went out to eat because they didn't want to be gone when I got back. My mom said they all had a good time talking and not to worry about it!

After the lengthy MRI, with my crew for the
few minutes that I got to see them!

It is time to try and sleep, I was exhausted and ready for bed! I slept about 45 min and then was up. An hour later I fell asleep again for about 35 minutes and then was up. And an hour or two after that I slept another 40 minutes and was up.  I. Could. Not. Sleep.  Maybe it was from the pain meds, maybe the noises, or maybe I was "alert" because I knew my nurse would be in soon to check on me. Whatever it was, sleep did not happen that night! Luckily I had an awesome nurse named Kate and we did a lot of chatting. She helped me get as comfortable as possible. We took out an IV that wasn't needed, didn't put the leg cuffs back on and she would try to not bother me for a few hours so I could work on getting some sleep.

Look how taped up this arm is. The
other arm had a big plastic brace on
it when I came out of surgery.

At some point this first night I realized that they shaved more of my hair then they needed to or did last time. My incision wasn't any farther over then the last surgery so I don't know why they did that! My guess is it was a guy who shaved it. Haha. The nice thing about the last shave is it didn't go across the whole front of my head so I could still part on the left side and it would hide everything. Now, it is shaved so far over, that even if I part on that side, the shaved part is still showing. Which means I will have to wear headbands a lot more now then I was having to! Grrrrr. I've got a bone to pick with someone!!

Look at all the extra hair shaved
that didn't need to be!

During the first night my eye started swelling a lot and really fast. Each hour was dramatically worse. Since I wasn't sleeping, I kept taking pictures to watch the progress. I swelled up the surgery earlier this month but my eye never got as horrible as it did this time.  I was curious as to why it got so bad this time. What I found out the next day though, is that they had to mess with the titanium plate to get underneath it to remove the tumor. They had to bend it and cut an area of it to get inside. I think this had to do a lot with the swelling because that whole area where the plate is, is very tender and sore. And the plate literally sits on my brow bone. So a lot was messed with very close to my eye. At this point, when I was talking to Dr Kassam's PA that was in on the surgery, I asked about the corner of the plate behind my ear. He said he got rid of it!!! He cut any corners that were still on the plate. I was surprised with how happy I was by hearing this. I know the corner of the plate was a pain, but if I had to deal with it forever, I would. Finding out that it is gone though, and that the pain behind my ear will be gone forever, I was so VERY excited! I thought that maybe the staple had to do it with it, but that was from one of the pins holding my head, he said it didn't want to stop bleeding so they stapled it shut.  He was in no rush to get out of my room and that was so nice, so any little detail that I asked, I would get answers for.

Swelling is happening.

This is 45 minutes after the last picture.

Another half hour.

And boom! Just like that it is swelled shut.

Right after surgery, I looked great. Swelling hasn't had a chance to settle in yet and I am feeling pretty good pain wise. When I woke, my eye was closing all the way! It had not done this the entire time since the last surgery. I remember being so out of it but talking to my nurse Ericka about it and telling her how excited I was that it closed! I could tell it felt good and it wasn't blurry at all. The was enough to make my day right there! The little bit of movement in my cheek and lip were still there too. My mom swears it is even better then before surgery. I have been crossing my fingers that the eye continues to keep closing. Once the swelling kicked in, it was permanently closed for a day. The next morning, it started to open a little bit. That was a good sign because some surgeries, that eye is swelled closed for days. It is really hard to see out of when it first starts opening because it is only open a little bit so my vision is off. The next day when I woke, the eye was open even more! I love seeing such progress in one day! It is the motivation I need to see that healing is happening. Last night my eye looked even better then yesterday morning and now today, it almost looks normal! I have some bruising around it still but that is not a big deal. My eye is still closing, at one point yesterday it was open a tiny bit when I closed it but that was it, and I can deal with that if it continues to be that way. I still have some blurriness going on, it doesn't blink as fast or as well as the other eye, but I will take the little improvements I have seen.  My eyelid is very dry, you need to remember how delicate the eyelid skin is, and mine gets stretched to the max. Luckily, my friend Meagan makes amazing lotions and I have been putting that on it religiously and I can tell it is helping a lot.

The incision once the dressing came off.

How I looked the entire next day.
No use out of that eye.

The morning after when my eye
started to open again.

I was in another nice big room too! When I walked with my PT, she told me there are two big rooms on that floor, the first big room I had for my last surgery, and this surgery I was put in the other big room. It is nice because my parents and visitors are there a lot and we have room for everyone. In my room were two big comfy chairs for my parents and they are put right near a window and the sun was shining in on them. The chairs are located to the right of my bed though so it makes it hard for me to turn that way and talk to them, and it's my bad ear that I can't hear out of. Sometimes my mom would grab another chair and plop it down right in front of my bed. Haha. We could have a stare down or an interrogation!

My room. The right front corner was the bathroom, the
right back corner was the window and chairs. The
back left corner was the computer and machines.

The only full day I had in the hospital, Dr Kassam came and saw me again, we chatted about the corner of the plate, he said he did get the message and I told him how happy I was that it was gone. I said I will see you on Tuesday in clinic? He said yes you will! He leaves, I believe it is that same day for 3 weeks. So we are lucky we got everything in before he goes. Our plan right now is if all goes well, we will head home after our appointment tuesday and I will look into getting my stitches removed at home so I don't need to come back down a few days later.  His PA came in that day to remove the drain tube and staple. Once he pulled the tube out I said that wasn't so bad. He then said really? A lot of people complain about it. Especially the guys! Haha, yeah well, guys act like they are on their death bed when they have a cold right?!?

I saw the speech therapist that day too. She first watched and felt as I swallowed a few different things. Then she had me move around my mouth and tongue. After that we did a lot of speech and memory tests. It was strange, I felt like I was in school again! Memorizing a list of words, reciting words she would say.  But in the end, I passed.

The second night in the hospital I did sleep a little better. In the ICU though, the nurse needs to be in every hour to check on you. So that definitely broke my sleep up, but I still got more then the night before. My blood pressure cuff went of every hour too. I get so sick of wearing that thing! It is kind of tight, and it gets warm and itchy under it. Eventually what I do is take it off after the machine takes my blood pressure, set my alarm for 57 minutes, and then put it back on! My nurse was impressed - she said she and some other nurses have tried to put it on their own arm and they can't. I have figured it out by using the bed to help. Desperate times call for desperate measures! Haha.

My last morning there went pretty quick. My mom showed up with a coffee for me, I changed into my regular clothes, got to take every wire connected to me off, that is the best feeling ever! My mom went down the the pharmacy and filled my prescription, and I got one last dose of my favorite IV pain med before we removed the IV. Next thing you know, I am saying goodbye to everyone as I am being wheeled out of the ICU and to my mom's car!

My mom and Peggy have once again been great at waiting on me. I get meals and drinks delivered to me. My mom is in my room the second I need her! Today she says it is shower day and that I need to get up and walk around for a bit. I agree, both probably should be done! It is supposed to reach 88 degrees today so I plan to go sit outside for a short bit. I will need my sunglasses on to protect my eye, and either a hat or a wrap to keep my incision out of the sun. But I know that a little fresh air and vitamin D would be great for me.

All in all, I think this surgery was a good one. The visual recovery has been great, they fixed the corner of the plate, I have no new damage to any nerves, my jaw wasn't messed with at all and they got the last bit of cancer out! I'd say I couldn't have asked for anything better! I am now on the path of healing, and hopefully it is a very long time before I need to have another surgery!

48 hours after surgery

72 hours after surgery

This morning, 4 days out of surgery.
So happy my eye is looking so
great so quickly after this
surgery!

 Today ironically is National Cancer Survivors day. I'd like to say I am a survivor, but I'd LOVE to be able to say that 10, 20, 30 years from now!

Two days before my next surgery - May 29, 2017

Tomorrow I leave for my next surgery. I need to pack for the kids and I still but with the last surgery being so close, I think it'll be pretty easy to remember what to pack.  Some bags didn't even get unpacked! And last time I packed everything that I needed - there wasn't anything that I wish I had brought but didn't. So now, I just have to remember to pack the same things as I did last! Haha

I am not sure how I feel about having this surgery. Part of me is ready to get it done and hopefully not have to worry about surgery again for a LONG time. I've become very used to hospital stays and recoveries so I don't mind that I have to have another. But, then the other part of me, wishes I didn't need to go in for another surgery. I wish I could just keep the healing process going.  This means I will be taking a few steps backwards..

 I am definitely not healed but I can camouflage it to a point now.  My incision is looking great and the pain is going down. The swelling is a lot less. My cheek is a drop puffy still but my doctor said it is going to look a little "chubby" for a while until the muscle settles into its spot.

One of the few times I left home

 My eye still does not close and that is hard to deal with.  It is blurry all the time. It makes a lot of things difficult! Driving, reading, watching a show and just looking around! I am constantly trying to clear it but it's impossible to do since it doesn't close. I have to be very careful wiping it also because I might scratch it. And looking at me, you can see when I blink that that eye is slow and does not close all the way.  I am very self conscious about closing my eyes! Sometimes I forget that it doesn't close all the way and people can see it isn't closed even though my eyes both feel closed to me. I had a massage the other week and I kept my eyes open the whole time. Haha. I wasn't gonna lay there with one eye open.

 I have a lot of 'nerve pain' on my neck and chin. It feels more like pins and needles but it's a constant feeling. Last time I was on a medication that helped with the nerve pain but I have decided to try and go without it this time. It is a very hard med to ween off of and I don't want to deal with that again.

The incision on my neck is tight. Every time that I turn I can feel it pulling and if I keep moving my head too much it gets sore. I can't have anything touching it either or it starts to hurt and feel uncomfortable.  A t-shirt even bothers it. So I usually always have a tank top on.

What a difference two
weeks can make!

Scabs are gone!

And then there is the right side of my face. I can move my cheek a LITTLE bit! That is the first progress of movement I have seen. It started about a week ago (two weeks out of surgery), and it moves a bit more now than it did then. No eyebrow or lips moving yet. If I make a small smile with my mouth closed, the right side moves up a little. I am not sure if it is the lip muscle moving or the cheek muscle that is pulling it up. If I pucker my lips, or try to smile, it doesn't work yet.  And that is the only movement I've got at this moment.

Trying to pucker my lips.
Right is doing nothing. As you can
 see the right eyebrow is down too.

The two things that I wish most, is that my eye would start closing and that my lips would start working. Out of those two, I'd pick my lips. I still need to use a straw to drink. And I need a fork for anything I eat. I tried to eat a piece of pizza the other night without one and I bit my lip pretty hard. So back to the fork I went! A few days later I tried to eat a burger and bit my lip again. Giving up on that for a little while! I'll stick to the fork. I am starting to talk better, the first few weeks, some words were hard to get out because I couldn't get my lips to help me pronounce them right. Smiling is another problem. I can't do it and look normal. If I do try to, I use one hand to cover the side that isn't smiling! ugh.

Hiding the crooked smile. Haha

I did a lot of sleeping in the first two weeks. Now, I am having a problem falling asleep at night. So it is late when I do and then I want to be sleeping in. Some days I take a nap and others I don't. But now when I do, I make sure it is earlier in the day so maybe I can fall asleep at a decent time. I know going in for this next surgery I will be back to sleeping a lot so I won't have to deal with the sleep problems for a few weeks again.

I have gone out in public a few times. It feels good to get makeup on and get out of the house, but I can only handle a few hours at a time. My body is tired and my neck is usually hurting after that. I end up doing a lot of talking with people which gets hard for my mouth, and I seem to move around to the point that my neck gets sore. And, it isn't warm here yet so I have a jacket on and that is rubbing on my neck! Not to mention that just standing anywhere for a little while is tiring for me. Now is when I would start doing yoga, or being more active around the house to try and work up some energy but with surgery around the corner I really don't see the point.

My ear is still a problem too. I don't mind that the whole thing is numb, but it feels heavy on my head. And it is still completely blocked. No hearing out of it what so ever.  I think overtime the hearing should still improve. Sleeping on that ear feels very strange too so I usually stay away from that side.

What I have heard about this next surgery, it sounds like Dr Kassam doesn't need to open my neck up again. That is a relief for me. The head surgeries are easier to recover from.  I hope that going in for this surgery, doesn't bring all of these healing nerves back to the beginning of the healing stage. This neck surgery is by far worse then the other surgeries. (Minus the infection surgery).

In a previous post I had brought up that the corner of the titanium plate behind my ear hurts. Since I will  be opened up for surgery anyway,  I'm going to ask my doctor if he can fix that area. I think if the corner is bent in a little, cut off or just filed down - the pain would go away. Sounds like a simple fix to me, right!?! It still hurts to sleep on that side, wear a hat or headband.

My parents and I will head down Tuesday morning and at 4PM that day I have a CT with the fiducials again. And then Wednesday morning I need to be at the hospital for 5AM and surgery is 6:30. Same as the last one which the time worked out perfect for me. I like going in so early, I don't have to sit around at all waiting until its time to get to the hospital. I feel like the prep time flies by and before I know it, I am in the operating room and going into lala land!

My cousins Ali and Maren have set up a meal delivery for me. It is very convenient the first few weeks out of surgery. The site is called Take them a meal (.com) and the password is 0521. I had to make very few grocery runs (usually had someone else run for me since I can't drive for a few weeks after surgery) and I had to put zero thought into what I was feeding the kids! It was super nice and made things a lot easier for me! I would have the table set and the food ready to go when the kids got home off the bus. We would eat right away and talk about their day. It was great!

My birthday was a week ago, I wasn't up for going out to dinner but we went to my parents and ordered pizza. It was prefect and all that I needed this year!

Birthday Dinner

The past few days have been a little rough for me. I am prepared for surgery and all. I know I need to go in again and then that is it for a while. (We hope).  But I am just struggling with this slow recovery process. The facial nerves that don't move at all are an adjustment. I am a patient person but this takes SO much patience! In a week, the improvement I see is very little.  The thought of going back to work and struggling to have a conversation with my clients isn't appealing. The energy that I don't have is hard too. How am I going to stand all day?!? I know I will start out with just a few hours a day, a few days a week. But it still seems a bit overwhelming. And when I am tried, the muscles in my face slack even more and it makes my mouth and eye more obvious that they aren't working right. I did take another 6 weeks off from work for this surgery so hopefully by the end of that, I am feeling up to it!

And that sums up the recovery process so far! Tomorrow we are onto the next Milwaukee run. Hopefully I am gone just about a week.  And then it is officially time to heal, heal, heal!